Have you felt the Vampire's lips upon your throat? Okay. None of you are going to believe me when I say this, but it is the absolute utter truth. Hand to God.
WE HAVEN'T EVEN REALLY REACHED THE _REALLY_ SUCKY PART OF THE BOOK YET.
NO.
REALLY.
Remember how I said the inside of Edward's house -- which contained Edward's Wampyr Parentes, who
matched the inside of the house -- made me WANT TO DIE? What came next was hand to God the hardest part of the book to read. I skimmed it and even then I could barely get through. Because.
Because
we
get
backstory.
Or, well. Stephenie Meyer's idea of backstory, anyway. (Why can't Edward read Bella's mind? Dunno. Why can't Alice see the future with werewolves in? Uhhh. Where do werewolves and vampires come from, anyway? Um. SPARKLE SPARKLE SPARKLE)
Soooo, he shows her around this fucking suburban nightmare honey-coloured house. AFTER PLAYING SONGS OF HIS OWN COMPOSING ON THE PIANO. AND DRINKING ONE OF HER TEARS. JUST IN CASE YOU FORGOT THAT BIT. YOU DIDN'T? OH, OKAY. SORRY. Then, she sees something SHOCKING. Edward thinks it's funny and tells her she can laugh, it's IRONIC!
//HEADDESK
IT'S
A BIG WOODEN CROSS.
ON THE WALL.
YEAH.
"It must be very old," I guessed.
He shrugged. "Early sixteen-thirties, more or less."
I looked away from the cross to stare at him.
"Why do you keep this here?" I wondered.
"Nostalgia. It belonged to Carlisle's father."
"He collected antiques?"//HEADDESK
BIG WOODEN CROSS ON THE WALL < --- SMARTER THAN BELLA
"No. He carved this himself. It hung on the wall above the pulpit in the vicarage where he
preached....Are you all right?" He sounded worried.
"How old is Carlisle?" I asked quietly, ignoring his question, still staring up.HE'S THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-THREE.
NOT 666, SADLY. ANYWAY. He was born in London in the 1640s "just before Cromwell's rule" OH THAT'S HELPFUL.
And then oh God how do I even fucking summarize this well let's gird our loins and give it the old college trial SO apparently Carlisle's daddykins was an Anglican pastor. His mother died in childbirth (OF COURSE SHE DID). His father was an intolerant Anglican and as the Protestants came into power, he enthusiastically persecuted Roman Catholics! and other people. He led hunts for witches and werewolves and vampires (oh my!) and Catholics presumably altho that's really never mentioned again. Which unfortunately led to his burning a lot of innocent people. And Catholics. (Rimshot.) So he got old and Carlisle inherited the job. "He was not quick to accuse, to see demons where they did not exist" BUT he was smarter than his old man so he actually DISCOVERED A COVEN OF
CATHOLICS TRUE VAMPIRES, IN THE SEWERS
-- YES I SAID SEWERS.
YOU'RE NOT HELPING --
-- WHO CAME OUT AT NIGHT TO HUNT AND THAT WAS HOW MANY OF THEM LIVED BACK THEN. IN THE SEWERS. ALONG WITH THE ALLIGATORS PRESUMABLY. ANYWAY. The people gathered their
cliches pitchforks and torches and oh God my eyelids are going numb here and waited at the, I dunno, sewer grating or some goddamn thing, and then one ANCIENT, TEETERING
CATHOLIC VAMPIRE CAME OUT, WEAK WITH HUNGER.
(Awww.)
And then he SMELLED THE MOB (he had, uh, bad night vision? I dunno either) and ran through the streets (whafuck, I thought he was -- NEVER MIND, GOD) and Carlisle, who was twenty-three
and sparklingly fit, gave chase! So the
poor vampire was too hungry to keep running, and turned back to make for
yummy yummy Carlisle instead, BUT the others attacked him so he killed some of them, made off with someone else and left
presumably not-so-yummy Carlisle bleeding in the street (did he smell un-floral?). Carlisle's father would BURN anything connected with vampires (WAIT STEPHENIE I THOUGHT YOU JUST SAID HE WAS RETIRED, THE FUCK) so Carlisle instinctively crawls away from the alley while the mob pursues the fiend and his
snack victim, and apparently nobody including Carlisle Sr notices he's gone or gives a damn, and hides in a cellar, burying himself in rotting potatoes for three days.
LOOK, NO, I'M NOT MAKING IT UP. FRANKLY I'M A LITTLE INSULTED. A LITTLE HURT AND OFFENDED. I THOUGHT WE KNEW EACH OTHER BETTER THAN THAT. I THOUGHT THERE WAS TRUST, APPRECIATION, SOME KIND OF RELATIONSHIP HERE. I CAN MAKE UP SHIT BETTER THAN THAT. I MEAN, REALLY. I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T HAVE SOMEONE HIDE IN A CELLARFUL OF ROTTING POTATOES.
IT WOULD BE ROTTING BEETS. BUT ANYWAY.
So MIRACULOUSLY Carlisle was able to keep silent for three days (NO THAT'S NOT SYMBOLIC) and was undiscovered, and when it was over, HE REALIZED WHAT HE HAD BECOME.
Then Edward MYSTERIOUSLY breaks off and MYSTERIOUSLY takes her to meet Carlisle and shows her, I dunno, this MYSTERIOUS Waggoner? painting of Londinium in the sixteen-fifties. SO, Edward says to Carlisle, who is you will remember A DOCTOR, and you know colour me
bronze silly but aren't doctors around, oh, say, BLOOD AND GUTS RATHER A LOT? anyway, he says WILL YOU TELL BELLA YOUR STORY? and Carlisle
doesn't want to see his lovely youth with his new Happy Meal says No, Dr. Snow (wha) is taking a sick day and besides, Edward knows the stories as well as Carlisle does. GRIN GRIN. And Lusciously Appalling is all ZOMG HE'S ONLY SPEAKING ALOUD FOR MY BENEFIT
WHAT ELSE CAN THEY BE COMMUNICATING? TRIPPY. So Carlisle
mentally growls HAVE THIS LITTLE BLOODBAG OUT OF MY HOUSE BY SUNDOWN GRINS WARMLY again and leaves.
And Edward tells Carlisle's life story. The fuck.
Or rather -- his UNlife story! AH HA HA HA. DON'T JUDGE ME I'VE BEEN READING THIS SHIT AND YOU HAVEN'T.
Oh God okay yeah so. Oh Jesus. Sooo, when Carlisle the
Catholic Vampyr
Slayer Torcher realized what had happened to him, when he knew WHAT HORRID THING HE HAD BECOME, he REBELLED. He tried to DESTROY HIMSELF, which is NOT EASY when you are WAMPYR. ahem. Sorry. Apparently he leapt from great heights (like Claire Bennett! SORRY). He tried to drown himself. He
walked through fire and didn't get burned was still young and strong! It was amazing he was unable to resist....
feeding (God Edward cowboy up and say EATING PEOPLE) because the instinct is oh so powerful then and takes over everything yadayada but Carlisle was so repelled by the THING HE HAD BECOME he had the WILLPOWER to try to STARVE TO DEATH.
PS IT DIDN'T WORK.
THERE ARE VERY FEW WAYS WE CAN BE KILLED, Edward tells Bella gravely, AND SADLY, DOES NOT ENUMERATE THEM. Which means I spend a pleasant quarter of an hour envisioning some. Okay, a lot. (Dropping Edward into a woodchipper! Throwing Edward into a vat of hydrochloric acid! Crushing Edward in a garbage truck! &c, &c. It's fun, make up your own!) Soooooo Carlisle grew very hungry and weak
and barely sparkled. "For months he wandered by night, seeking the loneliest places, loathing himself" until he saw A HERD OF DEER. He was so WILD WITH THIRST he attacked them, ate one, and realized HE DID NOT HAVE TO BE THE VILE MONSTER HE FEARED. BECAUSE HE HAD EATEN VENISON BEFORE HE WAS A WAMPYR. SO NATURELLEMENT HE COULD EAT ONE AFTER BEING A WAMPYR. OR SOMETHING.
aaaaaaaaaand you know, I dunno if I would want Carlisle performing my appendectomy or whatever because IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE IT WOULD TAKE VERY FUCKING LONG TO FIGURE THAT OUT. NOT THE SHARPEST SCALPEL ON THE STAINLESS STEEL TRAY I GUESS.
"Had he not eaten venison in his former life?" -- YEAH Y'ALL THOUGHT I WAS MAKING THAT LINE UP DIDN'T YOU
NO
-- "Over the next months his new philosophy was born. He could exist without being a demon. He found himself again.
"He began to make better use of his time. He'd always been intelligent, eager to learn. Now he had unlimited time before him. He studied by night, planned by day. He swam to France and –"
"He swam to France?"I dunno why, but at this point, when I first read this thing, I started GIGGLING.LIKE.A.FOOL. Just, I do not even know, the image of the undead non-Catholic-hunting guy SWIMMING TO FRANCE. MAN.
"People swim the Channel all the time, Bella," he reminded me patiently.
"That's true, I guess. It just sounded funny in that context. Go on."
"Swimming is easy for us –"
"Everything is easy for you," I griped.
...."Because, technically, we don't need to breathe."So then Bella who is DUMBER THAN A DUMB ROCK WHO HAS BEEN KEPT BACK A FEW GRADES IN ROCK SCHOOL is all ZOMG, YOU DON'T NEED TO BREATHE? and Edward goes uhhh, nnnno, but it gets uncomfortable after a while, not being able to smell and Bella's all ZOMG, FOR HOW LONG? and Edward's like uhhhh well uh I dunno, indefinitely? and then he HAD HIS HAND ON HER NECK but it DROPS TO HIS SIDE and he STANDS STILL, EYES INTENT ON HER FACE, IMMOBILE AS STONE, FROZEN. And Bella's all ZOMG, WHAT? and Edward says I KEEP WAITING FOR IT TO HAPPEN, FOR SOMETHING I TELL YOU TO BE TOO MUCH AND THEN YOU'LL RUN AWAY FROM ME SCREAMING AS YOU GO AND BELIEVE ME I WANT YOU TO BECAUSE
I'M GAY, GAY, GAY I WANT YOU TO BE SAFE BUT I WANT TO BE WITH YOU AND I AM TORN, TORN BETWEEN THE TWO ALTERNATIVES and Bella says OH WHATEVER I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE AND SO CARLISLE WAS SWIMMING TO FRANCE....?
And Edward says
DAMMIT WHAT WILL IT TAKE I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO EAT A GIRL, EATING GIRLS IS ICKY "Carlisle swam to France" --ahahahahaha ohhh man. Oh ahahhaa. SORRY.
"Carlisle swam to France ((snort))
and continued on through Europe, to the universities there. By night he studied music, science, medicine – and found his calling, his penance, in that, in saving human lives." His expression became awed, almost reverent. "I can't adequately describe the struggle; it took Carlisle two centuries of torturous effort to perfect his self-control. Now he is all but immune to the scent of human blood, and he is able to do the work he loves without agony. He finds a great deal of peace there, at the hospital…"Ummmmmmmmmmmm.
I dunno about y'all but GOD, THAT IS CREEPY. AND NOT IN THE FUN WAY. Ohh, migod. What if, you know, a sick baby comes in and he's peckish and CHOMP? Just -- ugh. He just sounds like one of those fucking creeptastic Angel of Death people. OR JACK KEVORKIAN, ONLY
WITH FANGS AS A VAMPIRE.
DR. UNDEATH.
So um yeah he was studying in Italy with a magical supply of money? night school credits? venison? Catholic babies? when he DISCOVERED THE OTHERS THERE, who were
"much more civilized and educated than the wraiths of the London sewers." And you know this was when I started having serious Anne Rice flashbacks. And Edward points at some giant Renaissance painting or some goddamned thing which is PROBABLY A KINKAID, OH, DON'T EVEN FRONT, EDWARD, painted by Solimena? who was so inspired by Carlisle And His Undead Friends he "often painted them as gods" (NO RLY) and "Aro, Marcus, Caius" were "nighttime patrons of the arts."
Ha. Ha. Ha. DUDE, IF I COULD GET MY HANDS ON YOUR GLITTERY LITTLE WALKING CORPSE, I COULD FIND A MILLION PAINFUL, HIGHLY ENTERTAINING WAYS FOR YOU TO DIE. BUT ANYWAY.
So Bella's all ZOMG! WHERE'D THEY GO --
//headdesk
RENAISSANCE PAINTING ON WALL < --- SMARTER THAN BELLA
and Edward says
DUH THEY'RE STILL THERE,
YOU WALKING SNACK LOVE OF MY UNLIFE. 'As they have been for who knows how many millennia' --
OKAY WHAT.
"Carlisle stayed with them only for a short time, just a few decades. He greatly admired their civility, their refinement, but they persisted in trying to cure his aversion to 'his natural food source,' as they called it. They tried to persuade him, and he tried to persuade them, to no
avail. At that point, Carlisle decided to try the New World. He dreamed of finding others like himself. He was very lonely, you see."MmmmmmmmmHMM.
How LONELY was he, EDWARD?
"He didn't find anyone for a long time. But, as monsters became the stuff of fairy tales, he found he could interact with unsuspecting humans as if he were one of them. He began practicing medicine. But the companionship he craved evaded him; he couldn't risk familiarity."O RLY.
"When the influenza epidemic hit, he was working nights in a hospital in Chicago. He'd been turning over an idea in his mind for several years, and he had almost decided to act – since he couldn't find a companion, he would create one. He wasn't absolutely sure how his own transformation had occurred, so he was hesitant. And he was loath to steal anyone's life the way his had been stolen. It was in that frame of mind that he found me. There was no hope for me; I was left in a ward with the dying. He had nursed my parents, and knew I was alone. He decided to try…"
His voice, nearly a whisper now, trailed off. He stared unseeingly through the west windows. I wondered which images filled his mind now, Carlisle's memories or his own. I waited quietly. When he turned back to me, a gentle angel's smile lit his expression.
"And so we've come full circle," he concluded.
"Have you always stayed with Carlisle, then?" I wondered.
"Almost always." AND THEN HE PULLS HER OUT OF THE ROOM.
BECAUSE HE'S SUBTLE THAT WAY.
AND DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING MORE.
So Bella, who would not realize What is Up IF IT WERE SPELLED OUT WITH ALPHABET BLOCKS THE SIDE OF TRAILER TRUCKS, asks, ZOMG! ALMOST ALWAYS?
And Edward says, reluctantly, I HAD A TYPICAL BOUT OF REBELLIOUS ADOLESCENCE ABOUT TEN YEARS AFTER HE CREATED ME. I WASN'T SOLD ON HIS LIFE OF ABSTINENCE AND I RESENTED HIM FOR CURBING MY APPETITE --
NO, REALLY.
SO HE WENT OFF ON HIS OWN FOR A BIT.
So Bella says ZOMG! RLY? and Edward's all I DO NOT FILL YOU WITH REVULSION? and Bella says ZOMG NO! THAT SOUNDS, LIKE, REASONABLE!
-- Dudes, that's what she says. REASONABLE. IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE ME, _YOU_ READ IT.
So, blahblah it took only a few years for him to return to Carlisle and recommit to his
Sparkle!Daddy vision because, see, Edward IS TELEPATHIC, DID YOU FORGET THAT? HE KNOWS EVERYONE'S THOUGHTS, ALL THE TIME so he would follow a murderer down a dark alley as he stalked a young girl and then EAT HIM. But apparently that was depressing
("I thought I would be exempt from the… depression… that accompanies a conscience") so he, uh, quit.
And Bella thinks, HAND TO GOD,
And Edward, Edward as he hunted, terrible and glorious as a young god, unstoppable. Would she have been grateful, that girl, or more frightened than before?Soyeah.
And then there is actually a sort of really disturbing stalkery domestic-violence part which is slightly squicking me out and it's not very funny and this has gone on far too long already and I'm out of ice cream. Time for Nutella.
Current Mood: 
GOD, STEPHENIE. 
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